Thursday, July 10, 2008

No Water Means No Washing

Or "You don't desire me right now."

This post could really be called either. Let me start with the first one.....

This morning, the water in Alcatraz was shut off. Not just in our little homey home home, but for the all 6 units in our building. Guess who forgot they were going to do this?
Guess who had to rinse her shampoo-filled hair out with Aquafina from the refridgerator?
And go to work without (ew!) brushing her teeth or washing her face or any of those necessary human upkeep activities, etc. etc.
So gross. So, needless to say (but I'm going to anyways) I came to work looking like a bus hit me today, and none too happy. I haven't been sleeping all that great either, with the baby doing little dances every time I try to lay down and my mind racing with all the things I still have to do to get ready for it. Don't get me wrong, I love making a good to-do list and planning out my activites or projects for weeks at a time (Shark Fin can attest to this - his "honey-do" list grows daily!), but this is getting a bit crazy. I can't be writing things down at all hours of the night - I'm going to have to attach a pen & notebook to myself! I think the other part about all this baby-mess that's really hard for me is I just don't have the time or the funds to do every little decorating thing I want to do... yet. Patience is truly a virtue I am still working on.
I went home for lunch at 1:15, though... and the water was back! Yay! Guess who called in an extra half-hour and BATHED?
Me. :)

Which brings me to Part Deux of this post: the " You don't desire me anymore" part.
This preganancy has been hard in a lot of ways: the sleepiness, the nausea, the lowered sex drive, the want for all the best things, the doctor's appointments, the "breast/bottle" debate, the general crankiness. And a lot of it isnt' founded on anything at all, besides just me, being pregnant for the first time, scared out of my mind about bringing a human into the world that I will be responsible for feeding/bathing/clothing/educating/making sure doesn't DIE.
But, it's been especially hard on Shark Fin.
He gets all of the bad parts without the good parts I am getting to experience - feeling Baby R move and dance and bonding with the person inside, feeling semi-secure in knowing I am providing all it needs to survive right now. And it's really hard on him..... I think my decreased sex drive is especially hard, since it was pretty regular and consistent before, not too mention that we waited our whole lives to share it with just eachother and now it's like, "Thanks for the sperm! Here's 9 months of forced celibacy for you." Ouch. However, this is one thing I just don't know how to fix. I just don't want to do it right now, either because I'm tired or overwhelmed or just not interested in taking all my clothes off to expose how big my midsection is getting (yes, yes, "there's a baby inside you so it's okay." I know. just bear with me here. it's a yay/nay struggle with me.). I'm trying to express my love in other ways: making his favorite desserts and dinners, packing his lunch with little notes, awesome Father's Day presents!, etc. But last night, I really got hit hard with the reality of how bad it's gotten for the love of my life when he said to me, "You just don't look at me like you desire me anymore."

Ouch. That would be my heart breaking.

What do I do, though? I don't ever want our intimate moments to be me just going through the motions, but he needs that sort of closeness so much and it's something that I am just not in the midset to give enough right now. I really don't want him to spend the next 4 months depressed and withdrawn, especially since I have heard it is not much better for a few months post-birth either. How do I get to that intimate point right now? I feel so big so often and I know baby inside baby make body grow baby needs extra weight gain blha blah blah..... but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I have no control over my body oftentimes, something I just don't like.
Ugh. Need to fix this.... just no idea how.