Monday, September 15, 2008

Thoughts on the arrival of my favourite season

As the arrival of this little person approaches, I have been thinking more and more about where our life is at right now.
What kind of situations we are bringing her into the middle of, and what changes, if any, need to be made prior to her arrival.
And, let me tell you, that shit is HARD sometimes. I've never been so able to step back and reflect on my life, my choices, my experiences that got me to where I am right now so clearly or with such vigor.
I want her to be able to come into an environment and her little mini-world of PEACE more than anything else. And for that to happen, there are some things I have been battling that need to be confronted and remedied.

I'm quite frankly, a complete pussy when it comes to confrontations with people that know me, people that have spent time with me, past or present.... it makes every blow that is delivered open further, sink deeper, scar thicker... way worse for everyone at the time of impact than if it's an aquaintance, y'know? I am committed, for her sake, to making the effort to move towards the peaceful place that I know is just on the other side of this tangled, thorn-filled forest, though.
Since graduating from high school way back when, so many changes have already taken place. People have moved in and out of my life, some are deeply missed, some not so much.
Some people moved out only to recently try to make their way back in again.
I struggle with how to address those relationships. On one hand, we were obviously friends at that past point in time because we had something in common, a bonding element, to sustain our relationship. It may have been a common group of friends or a class or a belief.... whatever it was, it did exist then. But, as we moved forward into life, that common element was lost or separated or done away with (at least I feel like it was) and new, different people filled that place the relationship with the previous person had vacated... or the need for that type of person in my life went away. Whatever the reason or the outcome, the relationship went dormant. Distance between the two parties entered and was established. Life moved forward, apart.

And then, life happens. The "expected chain of events" starts churning forward and we are thrust back into common spaces. Contact is re-established......

What do you do when the effort necessary to sustain a friendship is undesirable to you? When, you reflect on the relationship at hand and are more happy, more fulfilled, more content to reflect on times past than on any possibility of times to come? What if you want the memories, but no new ones? What if you were content to say goodbye back then and move forward, only to be pulled back in by thoughts of obligation, common history, and shared relationships with people that still hold the same place in your hearts that they always have?........ places that this other person no longer resides in.

This is what I am struggling with.
I have never been a confrontational person. I am more than happy to avoid the dynamics of a difficult situation with a person until it either disappears or works itself out on it's own. It's even worse of a feeling when I know this struggle is a solitary one. I, by no means, want to cause anyone any pain but sustaining this relationship causes me distress, more than any good emotion and I can't do that either.... not with this little person coming into the world. How could I ever teach her about the importance of honesty, self-worth, and confidence when in this situation I currently have none? How do you end a friendship, on good terms, when one person is pushing so hard to make it work and you are ignoring it's even happening.